Want Clearer Perception? Clean Your Reflection

Want Clearer Perception? Clean Your Reflection!

"A young couple moved into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the washing outside. "That laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, remaining silent.

Every time her neighbor hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.

A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she’s finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

The husband replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

And so it is with life… What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.

So don’t be too quick to judge others, especially if your perspective of life is clouded by anger, jealousy, negativity or unfulfilled desires.

"Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are.""

~ Jonathan Kestenbaum

Most of us have heard the expression that our eyes are the windows to our souls.  What happens when these windows become obscured with past pain? Can unprocessed trauma cloud our ability to perceive and receive reality in our own relationships? In a word, Yes.

In my own life, experiences of betrayal caught me in a pattern of distrust which kept me from fully engaging with my partner. Because I hadn’t received the kind of support and empathy I needed in the past, I was always waiting to be betrayed, searching for evidence to support my own mistrust, and manufacturing conflict in order to push others away and keep myself safe.  If the story I told myself was that I couldn’t count on anyone else, then the result was that I felt impelled to do everything on my own, never allowing myself to believe that I could have the help and safety I craved from anyone other than myself.

This kind of thinking kept me trapped in negative patterns, feeling lonely, frustrated, and resentful that, in the story I was telling, I had to do everything myself, and it had the result of undermining my most important relationships.  When I finally realized that I was painting the face of my betrayer over subsequent partners, attributing motivations that were simply NOT ACCURATE based on my past pain, then everything changed.  I was able to notice when I was obscuring my own ability to perceive the truth by catching myself in “Story Mode.”  What is this?  Story Mode is the habit of constructing a narrative around a set of actions or interactions that reinforce whatever beliefs we have carried with us from past trauma.

How do we begin to notice when we’re in Story Mode?  Here are a few signs that you might be stuck in this pattern:

• You’re making generalizations: All the people I date are the same…
• You find yourself thinking, “They are doing this because…”
• You notice that you’re assuming you know exactly what they’re going to say/do/believe/think…
• You can’t relax and enjoy being with this person because you are convinced it will end badly…
• You hear yourself thinking, “I always have to do everything myself, because if I don’t, it won’t get done…”

What can we do to change our patterns?  Start by noticing your gut responses to certain words, like

commitment, breadwinner, father-figure, responsibility, trust.  Do some free association: what comes up for you when you hear these words?  The scars of past pain can make us feel the need to immediately fix everything as soon as we notice a problem, which is much like jumping into a conversation because we are afraid that there will be an uncomfortable silence.  This has the unintended consequence of making it almost impossible for someone more introverted or shy to contribute.  In the same way, if we jump into solving problems without waiting for anyone else’s input, or assuming that the problem won’t get solved unless we fix it ourselves, we hijack agency away from others.  Once we notice our assumptions,

it’s time to change the underlying patterns. Here are some life-hacks you can try RIGHT NOW.

• Instead of jumping into action to put out fires in your romantic and financial life, ask to have a brainstorming conversation on how best to solve the problem together.
• Instead of adopting the constant role of rescuer, consciously ask for help.  Let your loved ones know how best to help you when you’re in distress, and then let them take over sometimes.
• Give yourself permission to slow down, and remind yourself that the measure of a successful life is as much about your most meaningful relationships as it is about striving to get to the next level in your career.
• Instead of second-guessing yourself and assuming that you’ll get it wrong, tell yourself instead that you are growing past the patterns that no longer serve you, and reflecting on your life from a clean and unbiased point of view.  Trust your instincts, but also allow yourself to evolve!
• Unapologetically state your needs, your fears, and the stories you are working through.  Honesty with yourself and others is key to reframing your perception!

Once you have unequivocally committed to changing the entrenched patterns you have learned from past pain, you’ll see your habits and actions and those of your most important relationships with new clarity. You’ll learn to listen, not for confirmation of your biases, but to truly hear and understand.  You’ll recommit to a relationship of unconditional love for yourself, which will, in turn, allow your heart to open fully and receive.  You’ll have the discernment to keep and communicate clear boundaries.  You’ll know what you want, and learn to ask for it.

It’s time to reevaluate the ways in which we see the world and interpret the actions of others.  Let’s clean our own reflections so that we can move forward with a fresh perspective!

~Dawn Light Amora

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